3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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