he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
