Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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