Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
