If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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