Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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