I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
