when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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