if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
