You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
