you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
