I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
