then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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