Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
