I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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