Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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