she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Found the puke drawer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
