ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
