I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Randomize
