Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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