'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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