I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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