that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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