You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
