i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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