this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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