i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
