Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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