i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
