apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
