I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
