I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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