I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
