Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
