It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
