as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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