sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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