Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
