You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
