hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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