And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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