I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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