You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
