you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
smell my finger.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
