if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
