Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
