I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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