Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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