Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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