when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
