Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
